"What's felching?"

"Merci !
J'écris en français car je ne sais pas ne anglais!
J'attend avec impatience l'arrivée de vos new production
en france et rest un fan de vos films!
I kiss you!!!!"

Can you believe that? French fan letters are now officially the reason I come in to work. "I kiss you" is the best signoff I've ever seen.

Completely unrelated: Today the words drifted up from behind me, small and a little bit scared: “What’s felching?”

My desk is the first thing you see when you walk into our offices. Every day at least three new models saunter in and announce themselves to me, because I am the first thing they see, and am therefore the secretary. They walk in and say, “I have a 2:30 appointment,” like they’re in my little black book, and I peek over the little wall that separates me from Nick, and I point at the model. “I think he’s for you.”

The model almost always sits directly behind me. I don’t mind an audience, but they’re (understandably) nervous- hell, it’s probably the first time they’ve shown up at an interview that requires them getting naked- and they’re all fidgety and they have to comment on whatever’s immediately in front of them, which happens to be my computer. “Oh,” they say, “I also use the internet,” or something equally urbane. I suffer. They have, on occasion, moved up and actually fucked with my computer, or used my desk as a writing surface.

One of the very few ways I have been able to deal with these petty annoyances is by basking in the glow of their ignorance. A remarkable percentage of the men who come through here looking to break into gay porn are 100%, homogenized, card-carrying heterosexual with nary a glimmer of an idea as to the mechanics of two men fucking each other. So when they’re filling out the forms Nick gives them, they get a little anxious when they see words they don’t know, most commonly felching, rimming, and fisting.

When I first started working here, I was always gentle when answering them. It was like giving the “birds and bees” speech to a five year old, only sans bees. “Well,” I’d say, “rimming is when two men- who love each other very, very much- are naked beneath the covers, and one of them caresses the others heinie-hole with his tongue.” They’d get all wide eyed, the innocent child coming to terms with the gritty reality of copulation. I’d hold their heads to my chest and rock them back and forth, maybe get them a hankie.

After a while I got sick of it. I’m not that nurturing a person, especially when it comes to strangers, and as I started feeling more comfortable with my position at Treasure Island Media, I decided to leave the coddling to Nick, and focus more on coming up with ways of cutting the models fucking fingers off when they touch my keyboard. Soon, when I got interrupted by the uninitiated with a “What’s rimming?” I wouldn’t skip a beat- “It’s when you lick another guy’s asshole.” They’d go pale, and I’d get back to work.

Then I started feeling bad. They didn’t know. It wasn’t their fault. They weren’t sure what books they should read to study up on how to break into homosexuality. So I looked up the dictionary definitions and now I simply give everyone a clinical description. But oy!- the guy that asked today. I wasn’t really in the mood for it- and the guy’s attempt at dressing himself this morning was a horrible failure, which kills my sympathy glands. But really, boys: I know you’ve worked hard on those pectoral muscles, but don’t wear a fucking yellow mesh football shirt with too-tight jeans and sandals. It’s completely inexcusable, especially seeing as how you fucking live in fucking San Francisco and you should fucking well know better, no matter where you fall on the Kinsey scale. And when you’re sitting behind someone, waiting for your interview, don’t tap on the wall, don’t read over their shoulder, and don’t sigh every other goddamn minute. When the question finally floated up- “What’s felching?” Nick saw the evil flooding its way towards my mouth, and he cut me off- “Funny you should ask,” he said, “we’ll talk about that when we’re doing the actual interview.” I’m constantly amazed at his ability to deal with the slew of people that flow through here.

But for future reference:

Felching: a sexual practice in which a person sucks semen out of his or her partner’s vagina or anus. The semen is usually that of the person doing the sucking, although this is not always the case.

Rimming:a sexual activity involving contact between the anus or perianal areas of one person and the mouth of another. Thus, analingus is simultaneously anal sex and oral sex.

Fisting: a human sexual behavior that involves inserting the entire hand, and sometimes part of the arm, into the vagina (vaginal fisting) or anus (handballing or anal fisting) of a sexual partner. Fisting is also called “Fist Fucking,” Which is sometimes shortened to “FF.” The medical terms for these practices are brachiovaginal eroticism (vaginal) and brachioproctic eroticism (anal) respectively.