(Vehicular) Crimes Against Humanity

In a country that lionizes celebrities the way we do, it can often be unsettling to hear about one of our favorite icons engaging in behavior that is normally reserved for the...idiotic? In a recent blurb in TwinCities.com, Eddie Griffin, forward for the Minneapolis Wolverines was fined about $400 for hitting the back of another vehicle. According to the report, Griffin was drunk and masturbating to pornography when he lost control – every pun intended – and hit the back of the parked vehicle. The “victim” (and who said pornography was a victimless crime?) claims that the police did not fully investigate the crime and so, in the great American tradition, plans on suing the city of Minneapolis. For what, I’m not exactly sure. But in a sense the plaintiff has made a very good point. The police obviously did NOT fully investigate the crime scene. For if they had we would now have the answers to some of the most critically pressing questions. For example, what porn was he watching? Does he use his right hand or his left to jerk off? What sort of masturbatory technique did he employ? Did he climax? Was there cum on the windshield that may have prevented him from accurately gauging the distance between the SUV he hit and his vehicle? These are the sorts of questions we expect of our police and to ask anything less is a disservice to the victims of Pornography. Court adjourned.
--MOC BLOGGER